Glenfiddich - Glenfiddich 40 Year Old
Gonzo

Glenfiddich


Runkin raised a wry eyebrow as he overheard some poor idiot order a Glenfiddich at the bar. All eyes subtly turned to witness the imminent humiliation of this naive soon-to-be-ex customer.

“A Glenfiddich sir? A Glenfiddich is it? No, I’m afraid sir that we do not sell spirits manufactured by William Grant and Sons Ltd in this establishment. No doubt you will be aware of the simple reason for this omission?”

Hamish the barman’s smile froze, and every ear was tuned in for the response.

“Naw. Why no? It’s a good dram that Gl…!”

The last word was lost as the poor bastard’s heid was thumped firmly but gently onto the top of the bar and held there, and Hamish pushed his bearded fizzog close to the customer’s terrified and confused face. “Because, ye daft eejit, William Grant and Sons Ltd, manufacturers of said whisky, invested a sum of one hundred thousand pounds supporting the campaign to retain the Act of Union, itherwise known as No Thanks, Better Together, or UKOK. So we dinnae sell their pish here, and we dinnae serve any type of beverage to ignorant wee shites who dinnae ken any better.”

The head was released, and Hamish’s grimace became a pleasant, but forced smile. “Now if that’s all sir, I’ll thank you to be on your way. Dinnae let that door hit yer erse on the way oot.”

Act as if you were in the early days of a better country.

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Gonzo, Independence

No thanks to English Independence


Imagine that Scotland has 53 million people.

And England has 5.3 million.

Wales has 3m, and Northern Ireland 1.8m.

Imagine this is the UK.

England has vast reserves of oil and gas off its shores. England has been in a political union with Scotland for over 300 years. The UK’s Holyrood parliament has a rule for funding England that allows a percentage of its expenditure to be given to England. It continually asserts that it is subsidising England. England feels that it is not getting a good deal, as it contributes more to the UK economy than it receives back, raising more in tax revenue per person in England than in Scotland and the rest of the UK. Scotland has hidden reports showing England’s true oil wealth for many years. England also has some of the best educational establishments, thanks to its separate educational system, and has huge potential in renewable energy. Its high quality food and whisky are famous the world over, as are its signature bagpipes, tartan, kilts, and poet Robert Barnes. England has grown increasingly different to Scotland, and has for many years voted quite differently to their larger neighbours in the North, but still had the North’s choice of government holding power over them.

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Gonzo, Independence

Mr Dahling’s Big Debate


Legal notice: The following is a work of fictional satire.

And so, when Dahling appeared for the first time in front of the TV lights, Salmon noted with a flicker of satisfaction the damp stains on his trouser legs, and the traumatised look in his eyes. Dahling’s first act was to blink several times, and take a big swig of water from the glass on his lectern. Salmon’s smile broadened…

Getting hold of the pig’s head had been relatively easy. It was getting the right shade of lipstick that proved tricky…

“Close the feckin door Dave, we’re on a schedule!” I bundled into the back of the FM’s car and hi-fived Salmon. “Package is in the boot!” George the driver revved the engine, and we sped off in the direction of the Russian Consulate to pick up the other packages for our evening’s endeavour.

Sergei Borisovich was a useful fellow in the diplomatic corps in Edinburgh. He could produce a bottle of vodka, a tin of caviar and gorgeous multilingual male or female specimens as if they were all ready to hand from his consulate’s fridge. As we drew up outside the door, it opened, and a tall, athletic, and disturbingly handsome young man walked purposefully towards the car, followed by a shorter, more nondescript companion, both wearing mics and earsets and smart dark suits. I opened the door and signalled them in. “Valeri. Fully briefed. This is Dima.” “Otleechno, Valeri, Dima. Davaitye!” I shook their hands, and motioned to George to hit the road, nodding to Sergei Borisovich’s sly face which had appeared momentarily at the window to the consulate.

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